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Happy New Year,


My new DVD (which isn't a DVD) is out. You can watch it for free by clicking the image below. 

Pieced together from recordings of several shows during the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe, a mix of amateur and professional footage, the show features a slightly fresher-faced me talking about celebrities who have since died, been disgraced, become irrelevant or Prime Minister.

This was my first show. I'll hopefully make this an annual thing, releasing another DVD (which isn't a DVD) next Christmas.
Some jokes I tweeted in 2019

My friend spreads viruses on social media.
He’s an online influenza.

I've become sexually attracted to sultanas.
I guess everything happens phwoar a raisin.

POLAR ICE CAPS
polar ice lowercase

My mate said that before buying things, I should consider the cost with 20% added on.
I hadn’t thought of vat.

I saw a small lizard on top of John Travolta's head singing the theme from Grease.
I love a newt on John

She said this was her first time working as a magician's assistant, but I saw right through her.

So embarrassing I wore my new top with the barcode still on.
I was wondering why everyone kept checking me out.

My 'Sting' pillow has been stolen. 
The Police are on the case.

My girlfriend gets cross when I stub my toe on the sofa. 
So I’ve stopped smoking toes.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen the mall.
Just saw that you can buy a “DIY colonoscopy” kit. 

I can't believe how up their own arses some people are.

When Tottenham announce their “Man of the Match”, wouldn’t a better title be “Spur of the Moment”?
LIVE

Jan 25 Sat - Kings Head London TICKETS

Feb 5 Wed - Wandsworth Ram Brewery, London

Feb 8 Sat - Leicester Comedy Festival TICKETS

Feb 15 Sat - Leicester Comedy Festival TICKETS

Feb 21 Fri -Poodle Club TICKETS

May 2 Sat - Brighton Fringe FREE

May 16 Sat - Brighton Fringe FREE

May 30 Sat - Brighton Fringe FREE

June 11 Thu - Hastings Fringe FREE

July 4 Sat - Shaftesbury Fringe FREE
More jokes

My friend spreads viruses on social media.
He’s an online influenza.

My friend uses his pet owl to represent him in court cases.
It's a Tawny.

I used to work as a Gravedigger, but got promoted to Cremation because I wanted to urn more.

Children in French swimming pools should piscine and not heard.

I entered a "Who can leave their front door open the longest" competition, and didn't win.
I was robbed.

When I die, I want to come back as some french cheese in evaporated milk. Otherwise known as brie in carnation.

I like Cats too, but no need to make a song and dance about it.
Cheers,
Darren
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