THE PORKINS STORY:
Jonathan Last’s piece on why the Jedi are really the bad guys has been doing great today. http://vlt.tc/25dy Here’s one reader reaction following on the "Kenobi lied, Porkins died" point, which I would like to give a dramatic reading: “I know there’s an Extended Universe backstory around Porkins, but I don’t know any of it. I always imagine him as a tragic figure. He’s a familiar sort: worked his job at the cubicle farm, never very socially successful, decent fellow, really into tabletop gaming with some weird friends he’s known since High School Quiz Bowl thirty years ago. The ladies just don’t take to Porkins, because he’s earnest and awkward, and so in the chronic depression that mars his existence, he develops a vice — but because he’s basically a good guy, that vice is family-sized tubs of Blue Bell ice cream …. and reading obsessively about military affairs.
“Not that he could ever cut it in a real military, of course — Porkins can’t run ten feet without doubling over out of breath — but he loves the topic, delves into it, and can talk at length about the proper employment of the Incom fighter series in high-atmosphere/low-orbit engagements versus capital vessels. Which in turn makes him even more tedious in social affairs.
“It looks like Porkins’s life will be a lonely one. He will work. He will paint his Warhammer miniatures. He will chat about fandom with his few weird friends. And in time, he will die more or less unmourned.
“Then everything changes. The world falls apart. Actually, all the worlds fall apart. Suddenly the Empire is at war. There is a Rebellion. And Porkins meets his moment.
“Porkins could never make it in a real military. But the Rebel Alliance is not a real military. The Rebel Alliance is a scrap-heap outfit that needs anything and anyone it can get. It needs awkward fat autodidacts who have spent their entire adult lives as involuntary celibates, poring over the proper employment of the Incom fighter series in exactly the sort of engagements the Alliance now encounters on world after world.
“The Alliance isn’t going to give Porkins a PT test. The Alliance isn’t going to give Porkins grief over his early-stage diabetes. The Alliance isn’t going to give Porkins a weight test or a body-composition test or a tape test. The Alliance doesn’t care. The Alliance isn’t in a position to care.
“The Rebel Alliance will give Porkins meaning.
“Everything changes. They bring him on. To his surprise, he finds he is respected and even — though he has been burned too often at too many parties to fully trust the suspicion — liked. His entire life, he has been in a world where his appearance and his interests mark him as the outcast. Now, these Rebels, they need Porkins. They want Porkins. They have to have what Porkins has.
“He gives it. And he asks for something in return. The thing he has wanted more than anything else his entire life. And so, at last, after many years of quiet labor, being the good guy everyone ignores, dreaming of a glory he never expected to reach, Porkins finds himself in a flight suit, in a cockpit, in an Incom X-Wing, hurtling toward the greatest battle of his generation. He is frightened. He is shocked. He is overwhelmed. But he is something else too.
“For the first time, Porkins is happy.
“And Obi-Wan Kenobi, gazing down placidly from the mists of the Force, does not give a shit about any of this.”
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ITEMS OF INTEREST:
Hillary maintains she doesn’t do most of her work via email, previously bragged about how much email she uses to do work. http://vlt.tc/25es
Yum! Empire: The 10-year rise and fall of KFC, Pizza Hut in China. http://vlt.tc/25er
McDonald’s worldwide sales rise, fueled by rebound in US and China. http://vlt.tc/25eq
Your Domino’s pizza just got this cool new ride. http://vlt.tc/25eo
Why Jos. A Bank is finally ending its infamous “Buy 1, get 3 free” sales. http://vlt.tc/25ep
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Mets the World Series favorites? That's not so crazy after all. http://vlt.tc/25ef
The sounds of 1908, a fading whisper at Wrigley. http://vlt.tc/25eg
Universal Sports TV channel slated to shut down next month. http://vlt.tc/25ei
Adele’s new album is coming sooner than you think. http://vlt.tc/25ek
Walking Dead ratings take another bite out of AMC Networks’ stock price. http://vlt.tc/25em
Capes and crossovers: How franchises invaded television. http://vlt.tc/25el
Mythbusters to end with final season. http://vlt.tc/25ej
Limit your answers. http://vlt.tc/25et