This week, the world collectively skipped a beat over the news that George W. Bush’s former ventriloquist, Dick Cheney, will team up with his daughter and his cardiologist to throw a few words on a couple of pages, slap a cover on it and call it a best seller.
Yes, while some irrelevant politicians stay home and order from Boston Market, others take a page from the Six Million Dollar Man – they scientifically rebuild themselves and make themselves stronger than they were before. But instead of protecting America, Dick Cheney found a publisher.
In case you’re wondering, Cheney’s upcoming book is about his heart. Ironic, isn’t it? Just in time for Christmas, America’s homegrown Ebenezer Scrooge is going to start collecting and sharing his thoughts on the meaning of having a heart.
Cheney himself called this turn of events “nothing short of a miracle.” We thought he meant it’s a miracle that any publisher thinks anyone will pay money to read his tale, but further investigation revealed that it’s a miracle he’s alive after five heart attacks and a transplant.
We always thought there’s a book to be written about Dick Cheney’s heart — or, more specifically, whether he has one. (Just look at how many literary masterpieces have been spawned by the myth of a Holy Grail.) But we hadn’t expected the book to come from Cheney himself, the guy who never apologized for shooting his hunting buddy in the face.
Which might explain why he’s writing it with his cardiologist and his daughter Liz, a lawyer, and not, say, his wife Lynne, the author of steamy lesbian erotica.
But of all the things about this story that caught our attention — like Cheney sharing a publisher with fellow horror writers like Stephen King — one thing really stood out: The book is currently untitled.
Oh boy did that get our brains a-whirl. With so many good titles taken — “Heart of Darkness” for one — what will Dick, Liz and Dr. Pulse call their future bestseller? Let’s help them out! Tell us your ideas. How would YOU title Dick Cheney’s book about his heart?
Xenophobic finger-waving anti-woman governor-lady Jan Brewer gave the residents of Arizona a breather....
...while Republicans on the Hill continued to gas up for their clown-car drag race to the fiscal cliff.
Recent Lester & Charlie Poll Results
Last week, we learned two things: increasing the length of yellow lights at intersections saves lives, and cities across the country are shortening them. Why? So they can raise some fast cash through traffic tickets.
We know local governments have to raise money somehow, but is endangering taxpayers the new trend?
So we asked: Besides making driving less safe, what other creative steps can local governments take to raise fast cash?
And here's what you said!
Write-in answers included:
Camouflage stop signs and use Roman numerals for speed limits
Host a vaginal probe fundraiser
Replace air bags in cars with politicians
Put a huge tax on bullets
Nuke a country, and sell tickets for entrance
Have Lester & Charlie give driving lessons (from Linda)
We also received this letter from the executive director of the National Motorists Association, who no doubt has had his share of tickets:
Red light cameras require deliberately inappropriate engineering with yellows too short for the actual approach speeds of vehicles. Typically, the yellows will be about one second too short. About 60% of all violations occur in the first half second of red and about 80% in the first full second of red. Thus if the yellows were about one second longer than they tend to be set at camera intersections, the rate of violations tends to drop by about 80%. That makes the cameras lose money and they are almost always removed (or never installed at properly timed lights). The entire red light camera industry is a scam that needs to be ended.