July 21, 2020
I started this email draft for you last week with the title "Grieving". I sat on it for days, knowing that something was coming through but didn't yet have the details until tonight.
A) How are you? I truly hope you are well.
My outsides are relatively well cared for and my insides are getting their butt kicked.
B) I heard a life-changing nugget of wisdom today from Resmaa Menakem..."the white body conflates being uncomfortable with being unsafe."
Wow. Wow wow wow. I'm running that through my own beliefs, financially and otherwise, and it lands on every level.
http://chromaticelephant.com/podcasts/. Highly recommended listening! (This particular conversation about comfort and security I heard in Episode 10. The direct quote is around 30 minutes and a half.)
C) That inquiry led me to getting more honest about my relationship with income earned. I've cried into a lot of tissues tonight feeling the pain of this split. For today I'm between a rock and a hard place with this belief system.
Starts with noticing fear and discomfort inside myself.
"I need to earn more money so I will be SAFE. My discomfort financially is a problem I need to solve before I can trust Spirit any further. I cannot spend or save Spirit therefore I cannot trust it to keep me safe, as much as I can trust money. And the more money I "have", the safer I will be. When I give away hard-earned income today, I am robbing my future self of needed funds. Sharing today means Alpo for lunch and water for dinner in the far future." (Gross.)
The Hard Place...
Starts with noticing guilt when I "have" and others do not.
"I have gotten too drunk on the love of money. I need to strip it out of my life as entirely as possible. Is there a convent I could move in to that isn't based around punitive or shaming religious beliefs? I have "had" for long enough. I need to go back to not having, and then it will be clear that I have nothing extra to give except my time and attention and presence. I will therefore be safe and free from the judgment of self or others, if I just remove material substance from this life."
So The Rock says Never Enough and that's bad and The Hard Place says Too Much and that's bad.
I wanted to share this split from my insides with you, not because it represents the full picture of my vibrant being, but because it's an example of working with embedded beliefs. Of course I do not consciously think these things. They've been stuck inside of me for a long time. The more I work on my clarity with finances, the more I can compare the numbers and totals to how these beliefs kick up inside of me and lead to discomfort. If I were not tracking my numbers and seeing the trends over time, the cognitive distortions from all the fear and shame would make it nearly impossible to get grounded in what is True.
Discomfort in and of itself is of course fairly harmless.
Tying back in to Resmaa's beautiful wisdom, when some folks feel discomfort, they also assume they are unsafe and then sometimes need to attack others. No, let me change that THEY to WE.
When we feel discomfort, especially when in white bodies who have coasted on privileges for so long, we assume we are unsafe and sometimes need to attack others. Or belittle others. Or "other" others. Or one-up others. Looking at these beliefs and finding our true safety and clarity are part of the revolution of a more functioning and inclusive world.
I'm very open to hearing your thoughts and beliefs on this.
Black Lives Matter.