I woke up last Saturday morning and sprinted to write down what I had just dreamed. The graph above is what came through.
This is my work as a conscious business owner. The optimal place to be is in the middle and top of the bell curve.
If I fall off downhill to the left, I'm minimizing my own financial needs. I'm getting the "fix" or "high" of being seen as helpful, friendly, flexible, however I'd like to be seen, as I sometimes give beyond my means (and often try to keep that invisible from others). That giving can take lots of forms and usually it results from a boundary slip with myself or others.
The arrow that points downhill to the left (below the curve) shows that collapse and low self-esteem are what help me fall down in to that place of overgiving, and doing others' hard work for them. The arrow leading up and to the right shows me that healthy communication can help me rise in the direction of balance and integration.
When I'm climbing back up to the high middle, I often have to eat crow to say that I overpromised, or that I had been vague about my fees and policies, or that I can't accomplish something as fast as I had hoped. For the part of me that is allergic to disappointing people, those conversations can be devastating. AND so necessary to get back in alignment with reality and sustainability.
I know this place so well. And just like money itself has no judgment...The Bell Curve truly has no judgment. It helps me locate myself at a point in time, in relation to how my patterns and habits are expressing themselves.
When I fall off to the right of the curve, I've fallen in to making money accumulation and earning as substitutes for my Higher Power again. I find it to be a cold, hard place when I get disconnected from Spiritual flow and grace. That's where living feels too hard, if only between these ears. When I get out of the Divine Service mindset, and my little inner Gollum is holding onto money like the Precious ring, (.....I literally had to stop writing there. I stood up, did some tidying and tried to shake it off.) I hate the feeling of disconnection.
So I'm motivated to study what sends me in that direction so I hopefully don't have to visit there any more than what is necessary to remind me to not visit there so often. If I'm tracking the absolute hell out of every cent, and I'm spending more time in my YNAB tracking system than I am either connecting with people or resting and recuperating, I am sliding off to the right. Precioussssss **shudder**
As you can see from the left-pointing up arrow, Divine Connection brings me back to towards the middle top, the sweet spot.
These patterns aren't about the dollar amounts themselves, though sometimes the dollar amounts can give me hints as to where I am on the Bell Curve.
Remember my screen time curfew experiment? (If not, I've started shutting down my phone and computer by 10:59pm latest. I was getting too intimate with hours and hours of YouTube at night trying to avoid my pan-dee-m*** feelings.)
It has been so great to have an accountability partner for the process. I've been tracking 3 feelings each night when I shut it down, too. I keep a little notebook. Here are some of them, from 10:59pm each night...relieved, scared, rushed, inadequate, disappointed, peaceful, grounded, lost, irritated, curious
My accountability partner said the coolest thing when I told him that I feel grief on some level every night, that I didn't accomplish more...
"I think anyone who is striving to do anything important has a hard time feeling they got enough done during the day."
One of those beautiful, "its not just me??!!!"" moments in life, ahhh.
The way I met this wise accountability partner is when I knew I was in late-night phone addiction and wanted to start fresh with an alarm clock that didn't bring the entire internet to me immediately upon waking. I used to have a Zen alarm clock but couldn't find it again. Luckily, I found Offgrid Mindfulness while searching. I thought some of you might like to know about it, in case you're feeling overly intimate with your phone at night and in the morning...
It's a little odd to not say more things about how small businesses and life itself are so affected by you-know-what. I looked at some of the resources that I gathered even just days ago, and they are already out of date. Instead of covid-specific articles or podcasts, I'll just share the resources I've been enjoying and appreciating.