|Finally...the Perfect Chain Email
We’ve all received them, from our grandparents and people at church; from co-workers and acquaintances; from former friends and ex-experts. We will certainly never respect most of these people again after reading the first paragraph of their idiotic diatribes about government conspiracies—how the CIA used the missing bones of the Peking Man to assassinate Billy Graham.
We debate whether or not to send a terse response, and if the culprit has spammed more than once or if we haven’t had our morning coffee, we don’t even hesitate: “Please stop sending me chain emails” or “Please take me off your lift.” Send.
The oversized fonts in red, blue, and green and confetti of grammatical errors remains consistent, but the subject matter changes:
· Wordy tirades on partisan politics—I didn’t realize that both George W. Bush and Barack Obama were the devil’s henchmen. Do they have their diabolical meetings in D.C. or at Prairie Chapel Ranch in Texas?
· Fervent pleas for children with chronic illnesses—I didn’t realize that Disney World cured Leukemia!
· Grand promises about penile enhancement—I didn’t realize so many insecure men were stuck at the age of fourteen with their pants around their ankles and a measuring tape in one hand.
· Get-Rich-Quick and pyramid schemes—I didn’t realize I could make money watching old Friends episodes in my skivvies!
· Scams offering free electronics, charitable donations, coupons, or divine blessings—I didn’t realize that God would give me Christmas in September for annoying my friends and business associates. According to New Hope Baptist Church in Brentwood, Tennessee, “God answers knee mail.” They must not know that God has a 17” MacBook Pro and more bandwidth than angels.
· Grainy photographs of cuddly puppies and frisky kittens—I didn’t realize that impossibly cute pets exacerbate my acid reflux.
No thanks for the guilt trip
These emails always gravitate toward one of two poles: syrupy sentimentality or guilt. The gods of the virtual thoroughfares and electronic information byways are cruel and unforgiving. If I don’t spam my contacts, then I will be struck with blindness and infertility for the rest of your life.
Who would have known that a boy with dysentery in Sudan would die if I “don’t forward this to ten people in the next fifteen minutes”? Shame on me for clicking delete and getting back to work. There’s more to life than money, Austin.
To pacify my conscience, I’ve decided to compose the perfect chain email and send it to three hundred people. This should atone for my negligence in years past and years to come. The technological pantheon will forgive me for my indolence, and perhaps the spirit of the Zulu prince in South Africa who died and left me his fortune will find a way to deposit the money in my PayPal account.
Please respond however you deem appropriate.
As we all know, our beloved Christian country continues to suffer moral decline while the current administration looks the other way. Our President and preachers turn their heads as thousands of attractive children around the world suffer from starvation, AIDS, assorted forms of aggressive cancer, and no clean drinking water.
But there’s hope. A new herbal compress from the Amazon rain forest containing essential oil from the Koutruk lei flower and other secret ingredients can grow your anaconda by 50% or more. Talk about amazing creatures in God’s Creation!
All you have to do to watch this miracle unfold is send a check for $19.99 to the address below and then invite seven of your friends to sign up to receive our complimentary analysis of the futures market and how you can capitalize on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by buying and selling unrefined gold.
No purchase necessary!! God said it would happen: the seed of Isaac and the seed of Ishmael would always be at each other’s throats. Can we honestly expect that our nation’s poor and elderly will have critical access to the medical care that they need and enjoy a high standard of living unless we are willing to dig into our own pockets and offer our monetary support?
By paying 37¢ a day to sponsor one child—just one moony-eyed child standing in a cloud of flies—you can ensure that the administrators of our non-profit organization eat out three meals a day and take lavish vacations in the Caribbean.
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All you have to do to win a new iPad, get a $50 gift certificate to Cracker Barrel, and collect your $52,371 settlement is reply to this email with your bank account number, Swift code, and the local address of your bank.
You can live in the lap of luxury on your own planet while one hundred virgins feed you grapes. If, however, we don’t receive your response by 12:00 pm tomorrow, we will drown this mischievous feline.
Do you want its blood on your hands?
Your now ex-friend Austin
Keep the good feelings alive by reading about people in ugly sweaters who love casseroles—click here.