Moses: Okay, let’s hear these laws! I’ve got a mob waiting so make them just totally relevant and intuitive for ethical communal connection. Okay?
God: Okay, got it. So how about...Do not scheme to kill another man. [Ex 21:15].
Moses: Fair enough. Basic. What else?
God: He who kidnaps a man, must be put to death [Ex 21:16]
Moses: Yeah, that’s a good one. Next?
God: If you take someone’s shirt, give it back to him before sunset [Ex 21:25]
God: What do you mean “what?”
Moses: It just seems a little…I don’t know…
God: Seems a little what?
Moses: I don’t know, I mean… Killing, Kidnapping, absolutely. I am with you but next, borrowing a shirt—God, help me.
God: Well maybe the person you borrowed the shirt from wants to wear it out that night. Or maybe if you don’t set some ground rules about when to return someone’s belongings, it becomes a slippery slope, and the borrower will just hold onto it until one day a month later you find it in their drawer and you’re like “Hey, isn’t this my shirt?” And they’re like “Oh! Is it? I don’t know” And you’re like “You know it’s my shirt, Greg.”
Moses: Who’s Greg?
God: Nobody. It doesn’t matter.
Moses: Okay...so sure. Give back the shirt by sunset is in. You got any other laws?
God: Oh yeah I’ve got like 600 left.
Moses: Okay, then I’m having a La Croix.
God: Not the Apricot flavored. That’s my favorite.
Moses: I know. You’ve told me a hundred times. Okay keep going. What else?
God: Do not wrong a stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt [Ex 22:20]
Moses: Oooh drawing on our own experience. I love it. We are back in business. Next?
God: Do not mistreat a widow. [Ex 21: 26]
Moses: Yes, definitely. So with you on good to widows. Let’s hear another.
God: If you’re out of town, and you have someone watch your stuff, and something “somehow” gets destroyed, I’m coming after you so hard. [Ex 22: 6]
Moses: Again... what? Was that a law you just rattled off there?
God: I don’t understand why you’re so confused.
Moses: Sorry. Forgive me Lord I am just not really following your train of thought here. Watching someone’s stuff? Is that really so important? Because it just doesn’t seem...
God: Doesn’t seem important? Okay, let me explain. Here’s an example, just... off the top of my head...Say you have a vintage Bob Dylan album, mint condition, and you leave town for a weekend, and Greg’s like--
Moses: Okay, again with this Greg guy. Should I know him?
God: NO! I mean Greg’s not real. It’s just a name I’m using for my hypothetical. So you come back and your Dylan album is covered in beer, and Greg is like “Oh, that wasn’t me. It was already like that” And you’re like “Really Greg?”
Moses: Okay, I understand why that might upset someone, but--
God: Just write it down.
Moses: You got it. You are the Boss. Not like I would ever borrow your Boss album. Sorry, you got me sidetracked. Next.
God: Okay...You shall not oppress a stranger, for you were a stranger in the land of Egypt [Ex 23: 9]
Moses: You already said that.
God: I know I just really like that one.
Moses: Okay…How many more?
Moses: That’s it. I’m opening an Apricot La Croix.
God: Okay, fine. You can have one.
Moses: Thank you
[Moses rummages through kitchen]
Moses: The box is empty.
Moses: You’re out of Apricot La Croix.
God: What?! No that can’t be! I just bought that box yesterday!
Moses: Let me guess... Greg?
God: I swear to me, Greg. I swear to me.